Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot
by ThreeHotPotatoes
Summary: Bella hates celebrating her birthday-and who could blame her? But her first vampire birthday MUST be celebrated, right? RIGHT? Hmm, maybe not. A birthday hot potato drabble collab for Robsmyyummy Cabanaboy. Oh...we know, Yum. We shouldn't have. (But we did!) Happy Birthday! Rated M for Madness. E/B, HEA ensured.
1. Chapter 1

**Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot**

**(a birthday party gone tragically wrong)**

**by ThreeHotPotatoes**

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**A/N: If you read our first collaboration, you already know this will be a bit "out there"...consider yourself warned! And now, without further ado, a birthday drabble tribute to RobsmyyummyCabanaboy from her three hot potato friends. We know...we shouldn't have.**

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**~O.O.O~**

**1**

"So..., Edward, what are the plans for Bella's birthday tonight?" Alice blathers.

"Alice, you know she hates birthdays. Especially since fuckface over here ruined it last year," I say, jerking my thumb over my shoulder toward where Jasper sits at my kitchen table stuffing his face full of food he scavenged out of my fridge.

"Dude, it wasn't _my_ fault. I tripped over the coffee table. Who buys a coffee table made out of glass? You can't _see_ the damn thing. It's like putting your beer bottle in space!" Jasper growls around a mouthful of day-old deer, blood running down his chin.

I roll my eyes and ignore him as I always do.

"Well, we're doing something," Alice spouts. "So someone decide something soon. We don't have much time!"

"The roller rink?"

"The bowling alley?"

"The strip club?"

"We could always take her to the amusement park."

"I've heard really good things about the new place over by the mall. They have a mechanical bull right in the middle of the dining room."

I stare at them with my mouth hanging damn close to the floor.

"She's not turning _twelve_!" I shout, trying to figure out why the hell I'm voluntarily family members with these people.

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**A/N: The story will post throughout Yummy's birthday. Enjoy! XX THP**


	2. Chapter 2

**Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot**

**~O.O.O~**

**2**

"Edward." Alice's soothing voice comes from behind me as her tiny hands wrap around my shoulders. Even though she's whispering, I know the rest of them can hear plain as day. "Bella's party will be great. She will have a wonderful time. You will get amazing vampire sex afterwards for three days straight. Now, can you please try to relax?"

My shoulders soften, and I peer across the room. Sure enough, Jas is beaming waves of calm straight into my skull. Next to him on the love seat, Emmett is wearing a smirk so big it almost cracks his dimples, and it most definitely shatters my momentary tranquility.

"Cut it the fuck out, you perv!" I shout at him, having unfortunately seen the porn reel of myself and my new bride playing in his big, ugly head.

"Dude, not my fault I have a vivid imagination," he sulks.

Rosalie is straddling his lap milliseconds later, and Emmett's simple mind shifts back to where it should be-on his own damn wife-and I get myself the fuck out of his thoughts before I see something I can't unsee.


	3. Chapter 3

**Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot**

**~O.O.O~**

**3**

"Why don't we just have a big ass field party?" Emmett suggests, his voice muffled from being stuffed between Rose's tits.

Before I can say a word, Alice starts jumping up and down, clapping her hands. "Finally! Don't worry about a thing, Edward. I'll take care of it all. Just have here there by six!"

I try to ignore Emmett's grunts coming from the corner while I grab my phone to call Carlisle. There's no way he'll want to miss this. After all, it was his genius idea to duct tape Emmett to the ceiling when he passed out at our last party. It took five hundred rolls of the shit, but we finally got enough up there that he couldn't break free.

Just as I'm hanging up the phone, I hear a car pull in the driveway, and I know my other half is home. Unfortunately, I also hear a soft, rapid heartbeat and know the dog is with her and my daughter.

Stepping to the window, I peek out and her eyes find mine instantly. Unable to stop myself, I'm next to my wife, kissing her hello before Nessie is even out of the car.

"Mmm...Yummy," she says.


	4. Chapter 4

**Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot**

**~O.O.O~**

**4**

"That's what he said." I reluctantly pull my lips away from Bella's and scowl over at my dog-in-law.

"That didn't even make sense. The joke is supposed to insinuate you were talking about something sexual," I snarl, narrowing my eyes at how close to Nessie's ass Jake's hand is. She may look like she's twenty, but to me she's still a little girl.

"Chillax, Dad," Nessie sighs as she snuggles against Jake's broad chest. "You really need to stop fighting with my Jakie-poo."

I can feel my teeth start to crumble beneath the pressure of my clenched jaw, but Bella's soothing hand on my arm calms me.

"Come on, Mom. I need your help to figure out how we can get this hair off of Jakie's back. I hate getting my nails stuck in it all the time," Nessie calls over her shoulder as she heads into the forest toward the cottage we built when Nessie and Jake started being...intimate. I chuckle under my breath as Jake follows after the girls like the well-trained dog he is.

As soon as they are out of earshot, Alice is by my side.

"So, we have her favorite bar, Last Call, catering the party. They are sending some servers out to help set up. I'm going with a luau theme, since you guys had so much fun when you toured Hawaii last year, and I ordered the cake from White's, because they have the _best_ frosting!" she squeals, jumping up and down excitedly. Jasper and Emmett wander out onto the porch and don't even bother to hide the way they stare at Alice's bouncing tits.

Perverts.


	5. Chapter 5

**Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot**

**~O.O.O~**

**5**

"Sounds like you've got all the bases covered. Thanks."

She claps her hands together and bounces on her toes. "You know I can't resist a party, and you're so much less painful to be with now that you're finally having sex!"

"Jesus, Alice."

"Excuse _me,_ now that you've found 'tua cantante.' Speaking of your singer, please tell me you got her something special for her first vampire birthday."

My mind churns out images of what I plan to give my sweet vampire wife tonight-repeatedly-once I bind her with the silver handcuffs I stole from my father-in-law's special stash last week. Alice gasps, and I look up sheepishly and shrug. Jasper is at her side, grinning from ear to ear.

"I want in on this kinky energy you two are generating."

Alice pushes away her horny husband as a huge van clambers down the driveway, kicking up clouds of dust on both sides.

"Our pigs are here!" Alice takes my hand and drags me over to the vehicle. James hops out and extends his hand.

"Thanks for giving Last Call a shout."

"Dude," I stop him dead in his tracks. "No way I'm wearing a fucking lei."


	6. Chapter 6

**Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot**

**~O.O.O~**

**6**

Leaving Alice and James to haul all the luau shit out to the field, I search out the birthday girl. I'd promised her yesterday I wouldn't make a big deal out of her birthday, and technically Alice is doing everything so I'm staying true to my word. Still, I'm pretty sure she's going to rip my balls off if I don't start sucking up now.

I find her standing in front of her closet with nothing but a towel wrapped around her. Sliding up behind her, I slip my arms around her waist and kiss her neck.

"You smell yummy enough to eat, baby."

Laughing, she turns and wraps her arms around me allowing the towel to drop in the process. "I think that was supposed to be your line a year ago."

"Still true today though," I say, leaning in to finish the kiss we started earlier.

"Well, Nessie and Jake just ran off to some party. I was thinking I'd actually let you celebrate my birthday and you can do naughty things to me." Her hand grazes my crotch, and I almost forget where I'm supposed to be getting her.

"About that … I have a little surprise for you…"

Bella's grip tightens on my cock, and I let out a small whimper.

"Edward Cullen. _What_. Did you. Do?"


	7. Chapter 7

**Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot**

**~O.O.O~**

**7**

"I did nothing," I shout, holding my hands up in innocence. She glares at me as she slowly releases my poor, defensless shaft.

"You better not have. I know where you sleep...I mean _don't _sleep," she snarls before she backs into our massive closet. I watch her fine ass sway before I'm pulled from my booty-induced coma by the ping of my cell phone.

"What?" I growl instead of hello.

"Austin, we have a problem," Emmett whispers. I palm my forehead at his stupidity.

"It's Houston, not Austin, you fucking idiot!" I bark. Bella pops her head out of the closet and gives me a confused look. I cover the mouthpiece and hold up the phone. "It's Emmett. He thought Jane Austin was in the Adams Family. I _told_ him it was Jane Huston."

"You're both fucking idiots. It was _Angelica_ Huston." She wrinkles her eyebrows at me before she heads into the land of lost clothing once more.

Phew...that was close.

"What's the problem?" I sigh, ready for this day to just be over.

"White's delivered the wrong cake. Instead of it being an elegant butterfly or some shit, its those freaky animated Angry Birds."

"So call them back and make them fix it! Lord knows we're paying them enough." I swear, sometimes you have to spoonfeed Emmett everything.

"Consider it done, man."

I hang up, still trying to figure out how to get all of Bella's friends to the field.

Thankfully, my reprieve comes in the form of another phone call.

"Hello, Aro."

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**A/N: Shit's about to get crazy. We thought you should know.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot**

**~O.O.O~**

**8**

"YOU DID WHAT?"

"Ease up, dude. It was a mistake!"

"You ACCIDENTALLY ripped off Carlisle's head?"

"WHAT?" gasped Bella, fully tuning in to our conversation. Great thing about vamp hearing-no speaker phone required.

"I SAID I WAS SORRY!" Aro yells, then laughs like an absolute loon into the phone. It's creepy as fuck, but I'm thinking it would actually make a pretty decent ring tone.

"How did this happen?" I ask as calmly as possible.

"He asked me to help him with his lei, and I forgot I'm allergic to plumeria, and my nose started to tickle, and then I kind of got this tingly feeling and my nose hairs were all aflutter..."

"JESUS F'ING CHRIST, ARO! I don't need you to describe a sneeze in two thousand words here! Get to the part where my father's head popped off!"

Bella wraps her arm lovingly around my waist and gives me a consoling squeeze. Despite the fact that my father has just been decapitated and most likely ruined her party-which the guest of honor is not at, by the way-her comfort wraps itself around my heart like a warm blanket.

Aro starts bawling into the phone, and I roll my eyes to the ceiling. Could this day get any worse? "Put Emmett back on the phone," I growl.

A hideous tinny voice comes on the line. "It was heinous, Edward."

"Who IS this?"

Bella wraps her arms tighter around me and I seek solace in the perfection of her voluptuous vampire tits rubbing against my chest.

"It's Emmett," squeaks the voice. "We...kind of laid into the helium when everything started going to shit."

"I'll call you back." I hang up the phone and send up a quick prayer before making my last attempt to save this party. "Siri, how do you reattach a vampire head?"

"_Stimulate the clitoris manually while tapping rhythmically on the G-spot. Caution: do not rub. Tap, tap, tap."_

"WHAT?" Bella gasps again. "Did Siri just tell you how to make me squirt?"

I toss Siri across the room and she makes a satisfying _thunk_ as the phone lodges in the plaster. Whipping the cuffs out of my back pocket, I say, "Fuck the party."


	9. Chapter 9

**Rob's My Last Yummy Birthday Tot**

**~O.O.O~**

**9**

"How do you like your birthday present?" I ask, pounding into Bella from behind. The iron bars of our headboard are crumbling in her clenched fists—the handcuffs are pretty much useless. But at least she looks hot as fuck.

Bella peers over her shoulder at me, a coy smile on her face. "One of your more inspired ideas."

My thrusts falter when she squeezes my cock with her virgin-like vamp va-jay-jay. "I'm sorry about the celebration, babe. You know I couldn't let your first birthday go by without planning something...and then Alice and...pigs on spits and poi and decapitations and..._ugh_."

Suddenly I'm flat on my back with Bella on top of me, riding me like a cock-starved cowgirl. "You know how much I hate that shit," she scolds.

Placing my hands on her hips, I piston us toward the stone wall. Wrapping her legs around my waist, she buries her face in my neck as I drive into her harder and faster. "Fuck, baby. You gonna bite me?"

Before the words are out of my mouth, Bella's teeth sink into my skin. Unable to hold off any longer, I release inside her.

"You're forgiven but you're gonna hafta do this about twenty more times tonight to make it up to me," she says, then licks my wound clean. Closing her eyes, she rests her head against the wall, "Mmm...that was yummy."

It's been a long ass day, but lying here with my vampire wife (and the mother of my teenage-toddler), I can honestly say I am nothing but moosh.

**~AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER~**

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**A/N: Well, we did it! Happy Birthday, Robsmyyummy! Hope you enjoyed our tribute to your stories! Mooshballs and kissy faces! xxx**

**This fic was a little departure in honor of our friend's birthday, but we're going to start another live hot potato round soon so stay tuned! And if you'd like to get in on the fun by presenting a plot bunny or tossing us a potato of your own, come join us on Facebook at ThreeHot Potatoes!**

**Thanks for reading and reviewing. Thanks for laughing with us or at us...we don't care, as long as we made you laugh!**

**xxx ~Momma Russett, Ida Ho, and Hot Tot**


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